Delirium X

‘Shall we wait and see, what happens?’

You gotta give them time, you know. Give them time, take things slow. And then you gotta put them under pressure. Put someone under pressure, real pressure, and then you’ll know what they’re really like.

Anyway.

‘Shall we wait and see, what happens?’

Just the head. I feel just the head. The rest I do not feel. Parts of me are letting go of parts of me. I disintegrate, I dismember. I burn, I freeze. Like ice? Like ice. Hot and cold at the same time. It doesn’t mean anything, does it? What else? Sinking pens and dripping inks. Aquarium without water. Bread and butter. It doesn’t mean anything. Oh but everything means something. ‘It is never an accident.’ What else? Tell me more. Words, words, words. ‘Be silent, then, for danger is in words.’ It’s hard, okay, it’s hard. I get overwhelmed. What is outside seeps in, what is inside spreads. A vicious circle, an ourborous. The snake goes round, the head eats the tail. Times a-getting hard. Times-a getting paranoid. And I thought I was bipolar. What a psychological embarrassment. I hear Freud clap. Freud is my friend. I feel tired, I feel sleepy, I sleep. I slip. I have to go to work tomorrow. ‘You don’t hate Mondays, you hate capitalism.’ I go to work tomorrow. But I don’t move. I don’t do anything. Yes, why don’t you move? Why don’t you do something?  Why do you live it all in your head? What if I can’t live it somewhere else? Waiting to change your life – what if you realize that even after changing everything it all remains the same? Such doubt. Such tiring amount of doubt. I slip. Again. An eternal slip. They really don’t pay you enough to do this, do they?

Anyway.

 

29 June 2018

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